Here is something K shared with me the other day.

I should mention that Amelia must visit every dank putrid hole of a bathroom wherever she goes. Every restaurant, store, and shitstained gas station.

Anyway, K and Amelia went to Target. As is customary, Amelia insisted on inspecting the loo. K waited outside the stall.

Amelia: “Unnnnngh! Grunnnnnnnnnnngh! Arrrrgnnnnnnnnng!!!”

K, somewhat alarmed: “Why are you grunting so loud?”

Amelia: “I’m pushing out my poo-poo…it’s stuck.”

K, looking into the stall and noticing that Amelia’s contorted face is bright red: “Are you ok?”

Amelia: “I’m working really hard like Daddy!”

K, explaining for the benefit of the other ladies present: “OH, you mean when Daddy lifts weights in the garage?”

Amelia: “Uh-huh. Unnnnnnnngh!”

That’s it, kid. Learn that work ethic while you’re young.

We are apt to forget that children watch examples better than they listen to preaching.
Whatever.

Where butterflies go to do their business

Phone rings.

“Hey.”

K: “Hey!”

“How’s it going, babe?”

“It’s really slow. Nobody is here. You should come in and let me clean out your ears.”

“Right now?”

“We got this New Thing and I want to be the first to try it out. On you.”

“Well, uh, I sort of needed to practice some more……. Um, ok.”

As I am driving to the clinic, I see some unfortunate guy meandering down the sidewalk shouting jeezus-knows-what to nobody in particular. Maybe his problems started years ago when someone used a New Thing to scoop the wax from his ears.

Amelia and I walk into the clinic, and enter the urgent care facility through the side door. There’s Nurse K, looking all hot in her smocks.

“You’ll need to register and check in, babe.”

“I thought I could just walk in and have this done without having to go through a whole thing.” (In other words, “I thought I was Speshul.”)

K, smiling, anxious to start the digging: “Oh, it’ll just take a minute.”

Present insurance card. Fill out form. It’s illegible. Doesn’t matter. Place form in basket. Wait. Why am I waiting? There’s no one else here. I just saw at least two doctors and three nurses and no patients on the other side of that door. What are they doing back there? Team huddle? Prayer circle? World of Warcraft?

I had a minute to think. Somewhere in that minute, it dawned on me that maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. What exactly is this new device, anyway? My imagination conjured up a Matirx-esque brain tap entering my skull through my ear. Why don’t I think about these things before I agree to be the lab rat? Here I am, Mr. Skeptic, putting my ears on the line for the benefit of medical science without question. Bow my head and say ‘Yes’.

Sigh, The things I do to enable K’s penchant for picking stuff.

Fast forward to the examining room. This new, amazing device was basically a squirt bottle with a thin straw. A clear disk was fastened near the end of the tube, apparently designed to keep an exuberant operator from poking through the subject’s eardrum and into the brain. K started squirting stuff in my ears. It was mostly bearable. At times it felt like my eardrum was getting sandblasted. No big deal. I wondered if using a can of Dust-Off would be just as effective, though quite a bit colder.

Amelia: “What are you doing, mama?”

“Cleaning the butterfly poop out of daddy’s ears.”

Giggle, “Butterfly poop, butterfly poop, butterfly poop.”

The last time I had this done, the doc pulled out so much butterfly poop it affected the high frequencies of my hearing. Just great. Now all of my horns will sound too bright, which will trigger a new round of mouthpiece and reed searching. Maybe that’s what drove the dude crazy–he never found the right reed. I would believe it.

I got dizzy and felt like I might puke, and I eventually gave birth to two pea-sized butterfly turds.

Everyone was a winner. My hearing seems pretty much the same, so my mouthpiece drawer will remain untouched for now. K got her pick fix for now. And Amelia enjoyed a field trip to Mommy’s work and learned all about butterfly feces.

There is nothing in the caterpillar that tells you it’s going to be a butterfly.
Whatever.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear

I have no idea what the hell I am doing with this whole blog thing.

Some of my friends and friends’ wives have uber-cool blogs with tons of readers, sponsors, and whatever. They know what they are doing (or at least seem to) and use all the cool tools. They know what the hell del.icio.us, Meebo, and Akismet means. Maybe someday I will be one of the Cool Kids too. But for now, I just want to keep track of stuff that happens to me before I forget it, and maybe practice some writing.

I mean, I have experienced some pretty cool shit. I can’t remember most of it, but I am pretty sure. I have basically been sitting here with my thumb up my ass, letting life go by, with no record about what I have been doing, who I know and who I don’t.

Blah blah bleh, something about the dullest pencil is better than the sharpest brain. Except I loathe pencils…in fact, I pretty much despise all writing implements. But that is just because I can’t read my own writing. Or maybe it was the time at Oakland Elementary when the snotty little girl sitting in front of me claimed I stabbed her with a pencil. Of course, the pencil was just sitting there in my hand; Princess Poo-poo was the one who turned around and elbowed it. But I digress.

Oh yeah…clarity. How’s this: WHATEVER.

So if you are one of the unfortunate individuals with whom I have shared the address for my blog, (as of this writing there are 3), enjoy. Stay tuned if you are wondering what I really think about this or that, and if you are interested in the daily menutia of a musician, fitness wank, wannabe frisbee dog trainer, former Mormon, dashing husband, and super dad.

How do I know what I think until I see what I say? –E. M. Forster
Whatever.

While eating chicken enchiladas

“What was that?”

K: “?”

“Sounds like they’re exploding stuff again.”

K: “Oh.”

“Sheesh, I wonder how long they will be doing this.”

K: “Well, they have been doing a lot of blowing over there.”

“???”

The good morning sneeze

K: “Good morning!”
Yours truly: “Goo-bleiatchhhiaewpffthhhhhdmuethhhhepfwhaettchdl!”